Chicken Soup for The Gamer’s Soul. My E3 reaction.

Whenever E3 comes around each year I always have a checklist of games/systems I want to see. It would be games like a new Zelda game, a new Metroid game, and I hope to the gaming gods that Sega returns to the console game with a brand new Dreamcast. Why not hope for a new Dreamcast, it’s just as possible as the modern day gaming myths such as Kingdom Hearts III and Star Wars Battlefront III. No seriously, these two fucking games have been on my list for the greater part of the last decade. Star Wars Battlefront III has an excuse at least to not show up each and every E3 since 2006 because Pandemic shut it’s doors down quite some time ago. Cannot say the same about KH III however… instead we get tons of spinoffs and prequels that makes the mythology of the Kingdom Hearts universe that much more convoluted… almost as bad as the Zelda Timeline. C’mon Square Enix, you’re story is not the 16th chapel in the writing department. It’s just a simple good vs evil story. What’s wrong with that? Lots of games/movies/books have that simple tired but true story… such as Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Super Mario Brothers. As long as you have great gameplay, the rest can be average at best. So each and every year I keep on getting disappointed year after year… the only games I have been genuinely excited for for the last 8 years were the last 2 Zelda games and Super Smash Brothers Brawl. God of War is a bore, and I don’t really care for Mass Effect. War of Warcraft? No I don’t play that because I need to have a life outside the bedroom. So if you haven’t notice yet by my blog entry that my interest as a gamer has died down during the years. This year’s E3 has changed that.

But I can’t say that it started off on the right foot. In fact it landed right on it’s face. First off, Microsoft has lost touch with the consumer in the past 3 years… or ever since Bill Gates left the company as it’s CEO. It reflects on not only it’s computers, but also it’s other devices such as it’s music player that doesn’t exist in the realm of relevancy anymore(Zune), but also it’s Xbox 360. I know I may sound like an old fart for saying this… but I could live without all the dlc cashgrabs and the bajillion video apps that don’t have Seinfeld or YuYu Hakusho. When I want to use a video game system, I want to play a video game on it. Sure, I love Netflix and Hulu, I mean I was able to watch the motherfucking Justice League show, a show I haven’t watched since 2007 or whenever Cartoon Network decided to not syndicate it anymore… but I feel that this all smoke and mirrors, one big distraction for the lack of great video game entertainment. It tries to become too much like the internet, it’s a shell of what the original Xbox was. That machine was killer… I loved the Xbox… even though I thought the Dreamcast did it better by a slight margin. Now back to the issue at hand… The Xbox one… or as I like to affectionately call it: The XBONE. Why did I name it that? Oh because it totally bones gamers of all shapes and sizes. How? NO USED GAMES. The machine doesn’t play used games. What the fuck. This is the most evil thing I have ever seen since the Housewives of (insert name of City here). It spits on our faces and blows dirt on our eyes. Imagine if the world follow suit with what The XBONE is trying to do: No used anything. Can you imagine a world without used cars because the roads now have technology built on so that it stops the car from running. What about no more used clothes? No platos closet or Salvation Army Stores. What about food pantries? NOPE. This is why I say that Microsoft is SOOO out of touch with the consumer. Ok, I know that they pulled this shit with their operating systems since the stone age… but this isn’t a goddamn computer… it’s a fucking GAMING SYSTEM. So what happened at E3? Nothing good, at all. A new Halo game… and some sports games. Oh yeah, Killer Instinct is back… WOO HOOO. Blow me. Ok ok, Destiny looks badass. I will give Microsoft/Bungie that one. A cherry on top of a std sundae.

Oh did I mention it looks like one of those old school DVD players? This is fucking 2013.. not 1996.

So after that catastrophe of a press conference I was given a glass of water with the surprise announcement that EA and Dice are finally bringing back STAR WARS BATTLEFRONT III!!

I was speechless. Sure it was only a short teaser but that was hands down the best thing to happen yet in this forgettable beginning of E3. I gladly shut off E3 until 8 o clock in the evening because I didn’t want to burn my eyes out of my sockets with the Ubisoft conference with people that are trying too hard to be funny. So I was just in time for the Sony Press Conference. Now unlike the Xbone, the PS4 had something to prove, Sony needed a great conference as their company’s stock has been falling down as much as a 3 legged dog with doublevision.  Sure… there were rumors swirling around that the PS4 was going to do the same thing as Microsoft was doing with Used games. There were even rumors that the PS4 was going to look even worse cosmetically than the XBONE. Hell, I’ll admit that my days as a gamer were almost as dead as Tamagatchi. Well guess what? PLAYSTATION IS BACK BABY, but I’ll admit I was meh at best at the beginning of the show. Not only does the system looks sleek, but also it didn’t waste time with it’s worthless wonderbooks and Vitas (even though they did show what was coming up this fall),  it showed the PS4 as not only an Entertainment system with all the useless video apps that people seem to enjoy, but also they showed off a couple of games that looked interesting such as a remake of Oddworld, Infamous Second Son, and also some indie titles that look very entertaining. Now at this point I was saying ok this looks interesting enough… but not enough for me to go rob a bank to afford one… well that all changed when the messiah himself Tetsuya Nomura made a special announcement with 2 trailers of 2 of the most anticipated games since… ever.

This Image Break is brought you by Campbells.

First was Final Fantasy Versus XIII… or now it’s called Final Fantasy 15. It looked really great, it was action packed with lush beautiful graphics that will make Leonardo Davinci cream in his pants if he weren’t dirt right now. A great step forward for it’s ultimate missteps with it’s games over the years which I shall not name. This game alone would’ve been enough to convince me to buy a PS4. But the next trailer will send me to a realm I haven’t been in quite sometime: Happiness.IT'S NO LONGER A MYTH!

NO JANKING WAY. It’s fucking Kingdom Hearts 3!! I cannot believe my eyes. Ok… this has to be a dream or something. I’m hallucinating, that has to be it. Someone call the mental institution because I’m starting to see things that aren’t real. This is like seeing Santa Clause humping a Leprechaun while the Easter Bunny launders his cash. I know I am talking way too much about this, but it has been 7 long ass years. If Final Fantasy 15 was the cheese, then Kingdom Hearts III is the mouse trap, and I mean that in the most positive way possible. Let me conclude Sony’s conference by saying that it ACCEPTS USED GAMES. Let me repeat that to you, you can use USED GAMES. What’s a used game you say? I was beginning ask myself the same question because that was the main problem for most of the year before E3.  Plus the system will only cost $399 apposed to the Xbone’s steep price tag of $499. In short, PS4 not only got away with murder by handing Microsoft’s ass on a silver platter, it was like a public execution. I may be overreacting here, but I feel like the Xbone just died before it even had a chance. And it’s all it’s fault too. Forcing gamers to use the NSA approved Kinect add-on or else the system won’t turn on, required an “you have to always be online” feature, plus no used games policy. It shot it’s foot off and is wondering what happened.

Let me conclude this article with the Nintendo Press Conference. It had some nice games such as Super Mario World 3D Wii U, Super Smash Brothers for the 3DS and WiiU… with MEGA FUCKING MAN. WOOO!!! I will tell you this folks, the PS4 may win this console war, but I will buy a Wii U before I buy a PS4 because WII U’s library is starting to get strong as hell. A Wind Waker remake, Super Smash Brothers, and a new Mario game… and I can play all the wii games I never played because I never owned one. Plus virtual library to play old games such as Super Metroid is always a plus. All in all, this was the best E3 in a long time. My faith as a gamer has been restored. Thank you and good night.

About beyondthetape

Hi everybody, I am an amateur Artist/moviecritic/writer/entertainer. You don't know me, at least not yet. I also review Video Games. Soon I will post podcasts and Video Reviews.

Posted on June 12, 2013, in articles, critic, E3, final fantasy versus 13, funny, games, Kingdom Hearts, stuff, Uncategorized, video games. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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